I’m back in Bhutan now about to start my second semester at Royal Thimphu College.
I question it sometimes, my decision to extend for another semester. Sometimes it sounds pretty great to be back home practicing piano with my family or in Fort Collins laughing my ass off with Jack, Trent and the gang. And sometimes Bhutan can feel a bit lonely, just there’s not nearly as much going on here as there is in Fort Collins.
But to see that I’m in Bhutan with a bit more of a question mark surrounding the next four months feels good.
Just a while back I was riding the plane to Bangkok, on my way to join my parents for our family vacation and thinking, “I’m not ready to leave this place. I’m not done with Bhutan yet.”
And not long after that during my 10-day solo venture in Chiang Mai, Thailand (this was right after my family vacation) I so eagerly gazed at July 26th on my phone’s calendar, the date of my return flight to Paro, Bhutan.
So yeah, I’m back in Bhutan, but that’s not the point of this post. When I was in Chiang Mai, my mind was kind of wild. Not in a fun way. It wasn’t a bombastic, gleeful trip, it was more of a contemplative, reserved and intrepid state. I had too much time alone.
When I landed in Chiang Mai, it was a fresh, hot air that hit me. I was on the road and that feeling sort of brought me up. But ever so slowly the loneliness crept into me, and I just got so damn fed up with it.
This was where I felt a bit like Holden Caulfield, where things felt so damn phoney and I, at times, felt so damn depressed. It didn’t help that I’d just reread The Catcher in the Rye a couple weeks before, but I really felt like I was in a strange state of estrangement. The people around me felt almost unnecessary and I think I convinced myself that I was somehow better off doing my own thing even though it made me feel like shit.
I’m not sure why this was. I sort of had an oppressive abundance of thoughts nagging at me which didn’t help. Some thoughts about my future, some about a woman, some about who I am… all culminating into something that felt pretty insurmountable. It felt like a blanket of fog, just an unknown I’d have to wade through with only hope in my toolkit. Some thoughts about how I should be acting, some about what society might expect of me, some thoughts of…
Which at some point gets so freaking pointless that you just need someone to slap you in the god damn noggin’ and tell you to shut your god damn mind up for a month or two. Luckily I had good wi-fi which, for better or worse, helps to distract me a bit.
I was scrolling through my YouTube account, looking at my subscription video feed, and I saw a new video from PeterDraws, a guy who just records his drawings. They’re really quite good drawings, kind of doodle-like, but he doodles so well it’s more of an abstract design.
Anyway, at one point he begins to describe one of his pieces and he just stops and says, “Sometimes too much explaining is just, well, too much explaining.”
And my mind got hit with that too.
At a certain point, you just have to throw your hands up and say, “what the hell is any of this contemplation good for?!”
That’s where I’m at mentally right now. I’m pretty much trying to act as purely myself and stop myself from overthinking. More acting and less getting hung up on how I should act. That’s partially why there hasn’t been much activity on this blog either… not that there’s been much consistent activity on this site ever.
Thinking is obviously useful at times. Certain actions require careful consideration before a wise step can be made, but at some point, it just becomes a river of lies. It just becomes this circle of an internal quarrel that leads nowhere. And I keep thinking it’d be so great to have a friend that’s willing to just smack me across the cheek and say, “Stop thinking! Just f**king act!”
This kind of stuff happens all the time when people want to follow their dreams. Or at least I hear it within my social circles. It’s all talk about wanting and it keeps going and going. Playing a musical instrument, making art, starting a business… different goals that people have, they’re all just stared at instead of being pursued. For many, there are no excuses, the mind is the only blockade.
After a little while, you have got to stop thinking. Because after the lies begin the only honest thing to tell yourself is that you just need to get up off of your ass.