The writer’s block is back! Wooooo! Hopefully, the Summer rays pierce my head and let great thoughts and experiences into my mind. Until then… time to take advantage of my backlog!
Daily page (dailypage.co) is a website with daily prompts for writing, here are some of my responses to those questions. Oh, and also just free-writing is an option so it’s not always to a question.
Over the past year, how have you changed?
Jesus crust… I’ve changed a whole shit ton. I remember around a year ago I came back from quinzee camping in Cameron Pass with the outdoor club. That was a great time, but I remember being distant, not connecting at all with those around me, not drinking, being worried and cold. I remember LeaderShape, and going through the retreat with Natalie and Ellen, learning about myself and making connections, and I remember going to Canada.
That was all more of less a year ago. I feel different, I really do; reading over those memories makes me think otherwise, but I definitely went through some personal shifts within myself, by experiencing, experimenting and what not.
First things first, I got a job. I understand what it is like to work with others and I’ve definitely gotten a taste of what the post-graduate, real work life is like. And obviously it’s not a straight up not-college job, but it’s meaningful work. Planning events have been a responsibility that I have and had never had anything close to before. I also attempted a 14er, got knocked back down the mountain, but nevertheless, I figured out that obstacles in the form of my physical capabilities are few and far between, and I just need to train in order to overcome them.
My whole “Religions in the East” class altered my worldview, which I think is a fundamental change from last year. I now have a definable purpose, a reason for existence which, thus far, has helped me understand what I should be doing day to day. The cleanse of non-essentials I undertook for a bit was killer, it showed me that the path isn’t to go cold turkey. It’s to be looser, to let go of everything and just have a good time, not to overthink all that much and be 100 percent into life.
Oh and the VAT phone. I don’t think I learned all too much from the class, I learned that survivors are fucking everywhere, though. It’s insane.
In the spring semester the new External Relations/Public Relations position at RamEvents was definitely a step up for me, being in a leadership position, effectively trying to facilitate progress within a half a million dollar organization has been hard. I have also figured out a bit more on how I feel about Theta Chi, there was some turmoil, but overall that’s done with. It was cool to be elected and I think I’m doing solid work right now, better at least than in VP of HS’s past.
The spring break trip was really the revolutionary point, and I know I’ve spoken to everyone everywhere about it, but it truly was life changing, or at least, the next couple weeks-changing. Working with kids was interesting and eye opening in some senses, but the real growth happened when I interacted and continue to interact with the entire alt-break group. Their diversity in terms of personalities provides me with an arsenal of soulful beings and a library of lessons to learn. I have become more inquisitive I feel, more curious for life and more engaged. I think I’ve become much more in tune with my purpose after the trip and much more confident in myself for some reason (I don’t quite know why).
It’s been a hell of a year and the best has yet to come in 2016 and 2017. Here’s to the future, may it be all that I didn’t expect, and may it wrap up things unfinished.
MONDAY APR 4, 2016
What’s a belief of yours that’s changed over time?
One thing I thought long ago was that life should be easy, breezy, beautiful. That was so god-damn wrong I had no clue what the reality is, even as it was slapping me in the face. Life is great, it should be lived constantly, truly lived, and that doesn’t mean that it all needs to go smoothly.
I slugged around on the couches and beds around my house, in the computer seat, wherever I could just plug in and zone the fuck out. I recall a moment where I actually shit my pants because I thought I didn’t need actually shit, just fart, but that wasn’t the case. Maybe that connects to being lazy, maybe it doesn’t. Kind of odd thing to write in there, but I’m going to keep it in there.
Anyway, my main goal, I would tell people, was to get a secure job, maybe make video games, but generally get a good life so I could lounge around more. Sounds like a great way to spend the beautiful essence of life right? I think it’s pitiful now to even think about life being one gigantic break, one large session to dick around on the television or computer.
It was a gradual realization. I think in elementary school I wasn’t even thinking about my future. Middle school brought some thoughts into my head about where I was heading, those were all the thoughts about one day becoming a successful couch potato. High school shook things up a bit. I moved about fifteen minutes away, enough to switch schools, so I had to find a whole new friend group. I did that and that’s when I think I started to recognize my strengths and realize that I can try at life.
Still not enough. I participated, a bit. I tried a bit. I expanded my comfort zone, a bit. Not enough growth, though, not even close.
I reached the last year of high school, you know, applying for colleges and what not. It got me really questioning just what I wanted to do. I think that’s when the window shades started to turn and let the sunlight in.
When I actually set foot on the college campus that was my ticket. That was my plane ride to a new, better, refined version of myself, the one that I always wanted to be. While I have yet to truly reach my full potential, I at least know that I grew a hell of a lot during that first year of college. I looked inside myself, reached in and grabbed the person I always suffocated and pulled him out into the fresh air of reality.
Life is not meant to be a walk in the park. It’s mean to a hike in the mountains, full of ups and downs, possible hiccups. It’s a journey that should require conscious effort to reach the destination. And hey, if that destination is a quiet park that’s nice to walk through and lounge in? Then so be it, but I sure as hell don’t want to spend my whole life on the bench watching life go by.
WEDNESDAY FEB 17, 2016
Good feelings. This day has been one of the most complete and wonderful days that I can ever recall. It started with the morning walk with Jack Mann, a wonderous human. No other man is so flooded with a desire to serve and better others than Jack Mann. He is serious and real, and at the same time so goofy and free-flowing. Anyway, we walked to Rainbow Cafe and got burritos. The vegan burritos there are god-damn delicious and the amount of coffee, while so many consider it puny, was a perfect size. We sat there and discussed out plans for the day (I think I talked more than I should have), but we enjoyed each other’s company and departed to our classes.
I was so frightened that my in-depth story for my journalism class was going to be shit. I felt that I had no talent to be a newswriter. And to be fair, prior to that class it was total horseshit. The story was lacking and empty of information. I love that my capabilities allowed me to turn the story around in that hour and a half of pure, intentional, focused work right before it needed to be turned in. I was able to flesh out a story full of angles and perspectives, fully synthesized into a complete work. Showing it to Patrick, the teacher, I was quaking in my boots a bit, and the feeling I had when he read my writing and responded with simple “yes”s and “good”s, I was so joyous. It gave me a real sense that I can accomplish great things with critical thought and proofreading.
Then I got my study abroad affairs in order as well. Going into the office and figuring out all that stuff, being so ahead of the game gave me such confidence in myself. I’m really fucking on top of the game in some senses. I’m so excited for Bhutan. The Himalayas are calling out to me, telling me, “come and experience the world’s greatness, the tremendous magnificence of this Earth” and I am so ready to pack up and go.
Onto seeing my future tattoo! It’s a beautiful picture, the flowing koi that will ascend my arm. I still am unsure about the size of the piece, but I have faith that Chris and I will figure it out and come to a conclusion about what is best. It’s not exactly what I pictured at first, and that’s alright. Part of me needs to lose this sense about what things should be. I’m surprised that my father has taken to it in this way. It’d be wonderous to have a connection to him in that sense. I don’t know if going with that exact same piece as being the best course of action, but it would be sweet either way.
Then I met up with the wonderful and quirky N. Sawkins. It’s always a joy to talk to that goofball. He is such an odd human being, one person that I think dodges much of the societal nets we all get trapped in. Talking about Dark Souls is so satisfying for me, to experience what it was like decades ago where sharing information would happen by word, not by research online. Though I will say it’s a bit different since a lot of the information was looked up prior by Nathan. Anyway, it was beautiful to sit out on the oval and experience the wonderful day with him.
After that, the fancy dinner with the alternative break group was so great. Just seeing those amazing human beings is so revitalizing. It was a bit out of the original explosion of connection that we originally had during the trip and the days after it, but it was fun nonetheless. Those people are fantastic.
Let it be known that on this day, the Fourth of May, it was a great one.
WEDNESDAY MAY 4, 2016